The empty nest: syndrome or salvation?

By Jacqueline Delange

Last September, Ngoc Bui Gray was overwhelmed by silence.

After she dropped off her youngest and only son Anthony at the University of Michigan, she clung to the memory of a busy household.

“I miss the sounds of the washing machine... our doors continually opening and closing as our children ventured in and out,” she said. “Now it’s very quiet. No one opens the door.”

Bui Gray, a 50-year-old U.S. Postal worker in Minnesota, has joined the ranks of empty nesters – parents who experience loneliness as their children leave home. But she and her husband have quickly learned that the silence of an empty nest is a golden opportunity in disguise.


“After dedicating our lives to our children for over 20 years, we're looking for some time of our own,” she said.

Empty nest syndrome is a wake-up call

Pat Mussieux, a London, Ontario based life coach and author of Who Am I Now, says empty nest syndrome acts as a wake-up call for parents who need to redefine themselves in the absence of their kids.

“Once the last kid is out of the house, then they’ve got to stop and look at each other and then the question is, ‘Well who are you? Let alone who am I?’”

Ngoc Bui Gray and her husband

Are you wondering, 'Who am I?' Use Pat's Life Balance Wheel, found here.
Listen to Pat explain the life balance wheel here


Bui Gray decided she is someone who gets involved. She and her husband created www.theemptynest.org, an online community where other empty nesters from around the world can contribute to a discussion about transitioning from a sense of loss to one of happiness.

Parenting doesn’t end when kids leave the nest

But according to Marni Jackson, the Toronto-based author of the parenting bible The Mother Zone, happiness is elusive in a world that constantly renegotiates the family dynamic.

When her now 27-year-old son Casey moved out, Jackson decided to transform her empty nest anxieties into a memoir called Home Free: The Myth of the Empty Nest. The myth, she says is that parenting ends when kids turn 18.

“In my own family and in my friends’ families a lot of kids left home at 18, but they were by no means grown up and they still needed the guidance and support of their family,” she said.

Marni Jackson, author of Home Free

The challenge, Jackson noted, is knowing when to let go.

“I had to pay more attention to my own concerns and not confuse them with my son’s concerns,” she said. “So I started writing the book. I re-immersed myself in family and what I did was broaden out my thoughts about my own family to see how they fit into the history of family.”

Indeed, the history of family changes according to era and culture.


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Bui Gray lived at her family’s home until she married at the age of 27, as is the custom in her native Saigon.

“I was never on my own before. In my culture, in Vietnam and Asia, we live in big families. But when I came (to America) in ’86 or ’87 I met my husband and married right away... I was very scared. Everything was totally new,” she said.

Today’s technology cushions the blow of living apart by enabling frequent and timely communication between parents and kids. Bui Gray text messages her kids instead of calling them daily to stay connected while maintaining healthy boundaries.

Listen to Pat Mussieux describe how the Internet has helped her maintain family relationships.



Due to changes in culture, Mussieux says empty nest syndrome is still alive and well in more complex incarnations. A recession, a heightened divorce rate and blended families have created more demands on baby boomer parents even after their children graduate from college.

“A lot of my friends are either babysitting their grandkids while their kids are at work, or they’re actually raising their grandkids because the kids can’t afford it,” she said. “Make sure you take care of yourself first instead of always giving.”

Creative solutions

Bui Gray has used her website to do both. On The Empty Nest’s discussion board, she finds comfort in connecting to other parents who are learning to let go. And for every post on the discussion board, a sponsor donates 25 cents to Feed the Children charity.

“I wanted to learn more from others who have experienced this time of transition and create a community where people can share with and help others,” she said.

Jackson agreed that to conquer the physical and emotional separation of an empty nest, parents need to be creative to find joy in a time of transition – no matter what the family picture looks like.

“You just have to get comfortable with it,” she said. “You can’t wait for family to be over. It’s never over. So you have to find your happiness within it.”

Photo by dragonseye, available under a Creative Commons Attributions 2.0 Generic License.