Some say that men are from Mars – a volatile, fiery planet. But beneath a furious exterior lies a vulnerability that is often overlooked.
Rex Hagon, a 62-year-old business communications consultant, knows this all too well. He recalls a childhood filled with anger towards his mother, who enforced oppressive rules on him.
“I would get frustrated and go off in a cupboard and hit the wall because I felt that my yelling was not working,” he said. “[I was] taking some pride that I was breaking some plaster inside my cupboard, but at the same time feeling a lot of shame with it, like I’m sure this isn’t the right way to be handling this.”
According to Dale Curd, a Toronto based psychotherapist and counsellor, Hagon’s dilemma is not uncommon.
“A lot of anger is triggered by… beliefs that are rooted in a sense of powerlessness,” he said. “[Some] men, for instance, see themselves continually in an inferior way.”
And while many therapeutic programs only teach men to control their rage, Curd wants to address the underlying issue.
“We’re trying to educate men on not only what their anger is about and why it’s triggered, but we’re also educating them on their anger as a feeling.”
Curd began facilitating weekly and monthly men’s therapy groups in 2003 and created Anger Incorporated in 2009. It’s a weekend-long workshop in which 10 to 12 men investigate the root of their anger.
| Dale Curd bio Dale also hosts Guy Talk on Newstalk 1010 and writes the GuyExpert column in 24 Hours But he says his journey with men's work began long ago. "I myself as an individual doing my own work a long time ago, there were a lot of instances, a lot of behaviours that I had that were outward or inward expressions of anger, so I would say I was a fairly angry teenager and young adult, and yet I didn't really understand my anger. I didn’t have any kind of real relationship to it, so I wasn’t sure why I was getting angry. I didn’t understand what my triggers were," he said. |
Men from all walks of life, from professionals to police officers to those facing court-ordered therapy, come into the group knowing that it’s a safe place to express all of their emotions.
When Hagon reflects on his six-year stint in Curd’s therapy groups, he recalls a credo he learned that sums up his experience.
“The expression that we use and that I definitely live by is, ‘All of me is welcome here,’” he said.
| In Curd's workshops, Hagon also embarked on what is called Deeper Work. “Deeper Work is cutting through the bullshit. Not sitting there and repeating yourself or getting caught up in some story of maltreatment or some angst that some may have from years and years ago. Deeper Work is, ‘Ok, I hear that. Now how does that make you feel?’” |
Curd encourages men to vent their frustrations by throwing tantrums and beating on pillows. Group participant Steve Menzie, a 50-year-old in the construction business, was one of them.
Before beginning group work in 2004, Menzie would bottle up his anger.
“I used to be more of a silent angry guy. I’m not a big yeller,” he said. “I would get angry and either be cynical or caustic or aggressive… With my wife for example, my inclination is to withhold connecting with her.”
But after four years of group work with Curd and having attended Anger Incorporated in 2009, he learned that freely expressing his fury meant getting to the root of the problem.
“In my work with Dale I learned I could go and sit in my car and yell, or I can go and pound on my mattress and release the physical charge,” he said. “It’s about having space so that I can calm down and understand what it is that made me angry and then I can address it.”
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Anger isn’t the only emotion the workshops explore, Hagon says.
“Maybe you’re feeling incredibly sad and you need to just be held. Cradled, if you will,” he said. “For many men, that’s a hell of a gift.”
Curd believes that addressing other emotions is essential to dealing with anger. He says that women are conditioned to express their sadness instead of rage, while society expects men to get mad. As a result, men feel pigeonholed and resort to anger as a default emotion.
“The message that men get is that there’s a greater disdain for fear and for sadness when it’s expressed by men. So anger is the only feeling they typically do express.”
Having learned to express both their rage and sadness in the company of other men, both Hagon and Menzie have translated those lessons to other relationships. Now they are free to express their joy.
Hagon says the program has taught him to understand his mother’s actions. As a result, he can now accept his 13-year-old son’s habits without erupting.
“There are times when his behaviour – talking back, not doing that which he is supposed to be doing – it can bring anger,” he said. “But having sat in group, I can see that I’m projecting my frustration and sadness at what my life was like. And my reaction to it is less charged now.”
Menzie says he has learned to take responsibility for his emotions and forge a deeper connection to his wife.
“It has allowed me to understand her better,” he said. “It made me more sensitive and recognize a lot of my behaviours brought us (into conflict).”
He also noted the workshop’s value for a larger community.
“I think it could cure a lot of societal ills… from crime to fatherless kids to substance abuse,” he said. “There are so many angry young guys who haven’t been fathered well.”
(Read CBC News' Analysis and Viewpoint, 'Treating Anger in Men.')
Both Hagon and Menzie now mentor other men in the Anger Incorporated workshop, which Hagon says has brought him happiness.
“That’s the joy of it for me… It’s a sense of community, a village. I think that’s the magic of this particular work,” he said.
| Men's health links Best Health Magazine CAMH Men's mental health |
Photo by OxOx, available under a Creative Commons Attributions 2.0 Generic License.
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